Presented like a TV or radio weather forecast:

And now for the weather forecast. Tonight there’ll be storms and rain, gusts of high winds, and some thunder and lightning. We advise not going out unless you really have to, and if you do then take an industrial-sized umbrella and a wetsuit! The sea levels are likely to rise quite a bit and the water will be very choppy indeed. Definitely do not go out in a boat, and do not try to cross from one side of the local lake to another.

If you have to make that journey then it’s best to take Jesus of Nazareth with you, although be prepared for the fact that he may not be perturbed by the weather and will most likely doze off while the storm rages. Wait till things get really bad and you are all starting to run around like headless chickens, screaming in terror, and shouting, ‘Yikes! We’re all gonna die! We’re all gonna die!!’ That would be a good moment to wake up the man from Nazareth and put him right on the fact that everyone is about to drown. 

Don’t panic if he takes his time getting up, plumping the cushion he’s been using for a pillow as he stands, and don’t be perturbed if has a word with you about your lack of faith.

Do be amazed though when he stands in the boat, takes one look at the weather and tells it to stop making a fuss. The winds will most certainly calm down and the storm will get on a bus and leave town immediately.

Feel free to look astonished, with your mouth flapping open and closed like a large goldfish...

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